When do you start building trust and respect ?

In the leadership program I am currently running in a global company, managers share their challenges through Action Learning sessions. Most of the management issues that participants discuss are about their direct reports. Very often it is about a particular person in the team with who things aren't going so well. Performance may be below par, or the "behaviors" are not as expected. Although the managers don't use the word, it is pretty much about som

eone very different from themselves and "difficult" to work with.

The process of asking open questions (as opposed to fact-finding investigative questions or "let me share what I think you should do" discussions) often leads to the insight on the part of the manager that there is a genuine gap between themselves and this particular person. The manager can give plenty of examples of behavioral or performance issues. But when the questions are about how they work together, how well the manager knows the person and his or her challenges, what other work related things they talk about ... the manager often gets quite silent. He realizes that all they do with this direct report is work, talk about work and complain about the work that doesn't go well. They realize there is not really a "foundation" to their working relationship. There is only work and that's all they talk about. And that's (maybe ...) OK as long as things are going well.

But when they don't, the lack of genuine relationship, the lack of trust or mutual respect makes it very difficult to get out of the negative spiral. Without a solid personal foundation based on other things than "work" (which can cover KPI, job role and responsibilities. payment, benefits), difficult situation often turn sour.

As someone in a recent session shared at the end, "I realize that I need to start working on trust and respect right from day one, not when something starts to go wrong."

The Power of Awareness

We often assume that people around us see and know themselves like we see or know them. When there are behaviors that are not appropriate or don't help the team, we assume that they are very well aware of these behaviors, but that they either don't want to or are not capable of changing. We "give up" and think it is hopeless to expect them to change their behavior.

I recently had a discussion with a manager as part of a leadership development program. This manager was well known by most around him as someone who just talks too much. Telling others what to do rather than finding out what they think. Using up air time that belongs to others (including answering questions that are asked to them). Never keeping this concise and just keeping on talking. This behavior is so obvious that it bothers everyone around him. He is otherwise a capable, hard-working and motivated young manager, but most around him just conclude there is no way he can change the way he is.

So I had a chat with him recently asking about his personal development as part of the leadership program. He told me he had simply divided by two the amount of talking, instructing and telling he does. He had gone "cold turkey". He simply changed his behavior very strongly from one day to the next. And those around him immediately noticed. So I asked him how he had done it ? What trick had he used ? It must be difficult to so fundamentally change an ingrained behavior. ? His answer ? For him, it simply was the first time he had become clearly aware of this behavior and the impact this had on his team. Nobody had told him, or even hinted to him. They just all assumed he was aware but that things were beyond repair. It was simple awareness that snapped him out of this negative behavior.

Simple lesson: don't assume all is clear for those around you. Tell them in a simple and clear way what is expected from them. No guarantee that all will be done accordingly, but at least they will be aware.