What (or rather who) stresses you out ?

In a study around stress, researchers measure stress levels directly from the levels of cortisol in saliva. A bunch of participants were asked to swab their mouth every hour, put the swab aside, and write down what they were doing at the particular moment of sample-taking. The results ? People have the lowest levels of stress when they are with friends, relatives or their spouse. And they are most stressed when they are with colleagues or clients. And who tops the list of stress-creators ? The boss. The highest level of stress exists when people are in the same room as their boss.

Since most of us spend more time at work than with our spouses or friends, this means we are stressed for most of our waking hours. And this most likely impacts how we then later on interact with friends or relatives or spouses. If you are a business owner or leader of a team, isn't it a scary thought that the people who work for you are most stressed when they are near you ? You may think your door is always open and that you are a very open-minded leader. You may try hard to be fair to everyone and you may even manage to control your emotions to minimize the impact on those around you. But you are the boss. And that reality has a significant impact on how the ones reporting to you feel when they are with you.

The best way to minimize the negative impact of the stress you generate - most of it unconsciously - is to be aware of how you interact with those reporting to you. Evaluate yourself after each discussion or meeting and create the habit of creating a small learning/reflection loop several times per day. Was this time better than the last one ? How did the person on the other side of the table contribute or react ? What did you do that seemed to have a pretty good impact ? In the next meeting, what would you repeat or on the contrary avoid saying ? Make an explicit effort to reduce stress for those around you through small gestures or practices.

The Power of Silence

We are so hooked on fighting for air-time, making sure we are heard and showing what we know that keeping silent is a challenge for many leaders. Asking a question, waiting for the answer, and then really listening and exploring is the core of real leadership.

When you ask a question and end up answering it yourself ... you are basically saying that you knew the answer and were just "testing" if your team knows or not. You are also saying that you do not really have the time or interest to listen to their ideas.

"But what should I do if they are quiet ? If they have no idea ?" leaders often ask me. My answer is invariably ... "Shut up and wait !". "But what should I do if they are quiet for 5 minutes ?" For one, it will probably never be 5 minutes, although it may feel like that. Second, if you are really interested in their answer, you should just wait.

Think carefully about the questions you are asking. Are you trying to find out if they know the answer ? That's a test, not a question. Do you have the answer to the question you are asking ? If so, why ask it ?  Too often, leaders ask questions to find a way to say what they know or think. A question that is really meant to find out what others are thinking is powerful. Rhetorical questions, gotcha-questions, multiple-choice or do-you-know questions are not how you build trust, innovation or your leadership.

An interesting article recently about the power of uncomfortable silences on the BBC website:

http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20170718-the-subtle-power-of-uncomfortable-silences